I am at school right now. I know it’s not the right time to blog right now (all my classes are done actually and I have finished writing lesson plans until Tuesday), but I need to pour this out. Just for the sake of it. I was just not my usual self today. I tried browsing some online shopping websites for some kind of therapy, but that just added more stress because of the things that I can’t buy. Hmm.. I did not have a good start today. I was late to school after promising myself that I would never be late again. Due to that, I failed to secure myself a seat at the assembly (again) so I had to stand up for like an hour. In heels. I’m used to walking in heels, even running in heels, or climbing up and down the four-storey building in heels. I feel nothing. But standing still in heels for an hour, I suddenly felt the pain. There, not a good start. Tired and painful.
I’m at home now. School hour’s over.
Usually when that happens, there comes my downward emotional spiral. Like a roller coaster. I started to feel annoyed by just looking at the innocent faces around me. Looking at them, suddenly there were inner thoughts coming to mind, like
‘Arghh… Don’t talk to me.’,
‘Why do you talk with your mouth like that?’
‘This one has nerve staring at me!’
‘That’s why your students won’t shut up in class, it’s because you won’t too!’
‘Argh… You again!’
‘You wear sandals like that to school? Seriously??’
‘Oh my God, I hate your baju.’
and etc etc etc..
Such a bitch, I was.
After the assembly, I went to the staffroom before going into class. Then, I noticed that I didn’t have my pencil case with me. Maybe it doesn’t seem much to you people, but my pencil case is my nyawa. I started to lose it already. I texted my hubs and blamed him for not putting my pencil case in my work bag. He’s been dealing with ‘this’ right here for more than 4 years so I guess he’s used to it. Thank God I have a few black and red pens on my table (but they’re not my favourite), so I just grabbed those and went to class.
The magic started here. Every time I feel disconnected with the people around me, I always feel calm and more relaxed every time I’m in class dealing with my students. I would avoid staffroom and canteen because I just couldn’t handle adults. Plus, I hated to pretend everything was okay when it wasn’t, so it was much easier to just avoid people. Today, I spent the whole school hours in classes, even during my free time. 8.00-9.30 (class – 5 Usaha), 9.30-10.30 (free time & recess – lepak at 5 Yakin, they were in Music room), 10.30-11.30 (class – 6 Rajin), 11.30-12.30 (class – 5 Yakin), 12.30-1.30 (free time – lepak at 3 Yakin, I dunno where they were at, the class was empty).
Did I or did I not just list my whereabouts at school?
I guess, I’m feeling a lot better now. Of course, I feel a lot better, I am at home. Everything is a lot better at home.
Guess I’m signing out.
Need to catch some Zs.