Entry ni dah lama tulis, tapi tak siap2.. Setiap kali nk sambung tulis, menangis. Hari ni, I gather all my strength and determined to finish writing it today.
Ayah pergi pada 26 September 2013 yang lepas dan hari ni dah hari yang ke-25. Selasa ni, 22 Oktober sepatutnya birthday ayah yang ke 69 and dah planned camana nk celebrate.. Ya Allah, kami hanya merancang, Kau lah yang menentukan segala-galanya..
That morning, when I was getting ready for Kursus Penandaan UPSR Bahasa Inggeris, suddenly hubby knocked on the bathroom door. When I opened it, he just stood there with teary eyes. It seemed like he wanted to say something, but he didn’t know how. I was very impatient and asked him, ‘Apesal?’. He opened his mouth and closed it again. ‘Apesal? Cakap la!’ He kept silent for a few seconds, and then he said, ‘Ayah dah takde, B..’
The last time I saw ayah was during Raya. He was fine, healthy as usual. Sakit sikit2 tu biasa like, gaut, pening, demam. There was one time ayah was admitted to hospital due to high blood pressure, and that was it. Tak pernah sakit serious sampai berminggu or berbulan kat hospital. So, when I got the news that he was gone, could you imagine how I felt?
On the 4 hours and half-journey from Muar to Sabak Bernam, I couldn’t think of anything. Hubby looked at me and asked me to recite Yassin, then only I did that. I just couldn’t believe what was happening. I was very blank. Mak, Kak Eda and Abg Bob kept calling me and asked ‘Dah ada kat mana?’ Ayah masa tu dah dimandikan, dah disembahyangkan, tinggal nak kebumikan je. They were all waiting for me and I was sick worried to my stomach that God didn’t give me a chance to see him for the last time. I kept praying.
I arrived in Sabak Bernam around 11.30 a.m. Getting into the house, I saw everyone was already there. Relatives, cousins and some people I didn’t even know. I looked at my right and I saw my mother in a black jubah with red teary eyes, sitting in front of a body of my dearly father, who was already covered in white. I ran towards her and hugged my mother so tightly. Ya Allah… That painful feeling, is the feeling that I will always remember for my entire life. Only God knows how heartbroken I was at that moment.
I requested to see my father’s face for the last time. When I looked at his face, I could see that he was smiling. He didn’t even look like he was sleeping, he looked more serene and calmer than that. I couldn’t take my eyes off of his face knowing that I couldn’t see it again for the rest of my life. After about half an hour reciting Yasin and prayers for ayah, I got up and tried to find my mother. Another reason was, I couldn’t bear crying near my father every time my relatives, cousins, neighbours came to me and hugged me. I was emotionally sick and tired so I tried to sit somewhere hidden from everyone else. I saw my mother sitting with my sisters and nieces. I took a place beside her and started asking how did this all happen..
Mak cakap, ayah was just fine on that Wednesday morning. He got out, watered the flowers and stuff. My mother was at school canteen, as usual. Not long after that, ayah called my sister and asked her to get my mother home immediately. Ayah said, ‘Wa, tepon mak, Wa. Ayah sakit’. The moment she arrived home, she saw ayah was already on the carpet, sweating. Mak cakap ayah berpeluh sampai Tshirt yg ayah pakai lencun. Mak lap peluh ayah, tapi lambat sangat nk kering sbb ayah kept on sweating. Ayah bgtau mak yang ayah sakit perut mcm masuk angin. Both my brother and elder sister were in Klang/Shah Alam at that time, my younger sister still couldn’t drive well since she just got her car license. So mak called the ambulance. Ayah was conscious the whole time but he was very very weak. The doctor did the scan and xray, the blood pressure test and everything that needed to be tested, but they didn’t find anything. That was when I got a message from my sister telling me ayah was in the hospital. I called her and when she told me ayah sakit perut mcm masuk angin, I was quite relieved because I thought it was not serious.
Ayah was allowed to go home on that day itself. Since the doctors got nothing, they just assumed ayah got ‘ulser perut’, which we didn’t believe sebab sebelum ni ayah tak pernah sakit perut. That night, ayah was still weak and he walked with the help of walking cane. Kami adik beradik sedia maklum ayah tak suka ditolong sebab ayah taknak susahkan orang. Ayah suka buat semuanya sendiri. My brother and sisters wanted to help ayah getting to the bathroom sebab ayah nak ambik wudhu’, tapi ayah said that he could walk on his own. When he walked back to the hall after wudhu’, he suddenly collapsed in front of everyone. His lips cracked and he broke his tooth. There was blood on the floor. When everyone was panicking, ayah was suddenly conscious again. He even asked, ‘Kenapa?’ When he was told that he just collapsed a second ago, ayah just laughed and asked again, ‘Mcm mana pulak boleh jatuh?’ He sounded just fine, he even joked saying maybe my niece Darling who is 3 years old, pushed him while he was walking. This incident is the reason why everytime we ask Darling ‘Atuk sakit apa?’, she would answer, ‘Atuk sakit gigi..’ Sebab gigi ayah patah waktu jatuh tu.
Ayah then lied in the hall. He was just resting while attending to some visitors yang datang lawat ayah malam tu. Ayah berbual2 mcm biasa, gelak2 and takda apa2 yang pelik pun. After all the visitors went home, ayah slept on the sofa. Ya Allah, Allahu Akbar…. Who would have thought, that moment, ayah was actually closing his eyes for the last time. Ayah pergi meninggalkan kami semua somewhere in his sleep. A very peaceful way, if you ask me. My mother only realized this when she wanted to wake him up for Subuh prayer, on Thursday morning. Biasanya ayah bangun dulu dari mak, dlm pukul 5 lebih kurang. He would recite Al Quran, sembahyang sunat, zikir and etc while waiting for Subuh. Since my mother knew ayah was not well, she got up first and let him sleep until 6.40 a.m. Then, when she was trying to wake him up, once, twice, ayah still didn’t respond. At that time, my mother might realize that ayah was gone, but she didn’t wanna believe it because ayah was still so warm. She called our neighbours. They came, learnt what happened, shocked, and… you know, then they started to spread the sad news.
Everyone didn’t expect it because ayah seemed just fine the days before. It all started that Wednesday morning and ended the very next day. It was all so quick. Only God could know how heartbroken I was when I got the news, but I kept telling myself, sekurang-kurangnya ayah tak sakit lama. Ayah pergi pun dengan cara yang baik. Ramai yang cakap, ayah pergi dgn cara yang senang dan tak menyusahkan orang. Suddenly it just came to me, maybe that’s what ayah would always want. Maybe that’s what he always prayed for. Hidupnya tak menyusahkan orang, perginya pun tak menyusahkan org. Sebab seumur hidup mengenali ayah, ayah paling tak suka orang bersusah-susah untuk dia walaupun dari anak sendiri.
Ayah dimandikan oleh bilal masjid dan dipangku oleh ahli keluarga lelaki, Abg Bob and Abg Man, and beberapa orang yang lain, dikapankan dan disembahyangkan di rumah 2 kali sebab ramai, sebelum dibawa ke masjid pada waktu Zohor untuk disembahyangkan oleh penduduk kampung kali yang ke-3. Selepas itu, jenazah ayah dibawa ke Tanah Perkuburan Kampung Batu 37 Darat untuk dikebumikan. Alhamdulillah, berpeluang tatap muka ayah lagi sekali sebelum dimasukkan ke dalam liang lahad. Like I said, he was like smiling, he looked even more alive than the time he was sleeping. Semoga ini pengakhiran yang baik untuk ayah. Kemudian, talkin dibacakan. Masa talkin dibacakan, hati jadi sebak. ‘Wahai Abdul Malik, terputuslah sudah hubunganmu dengan duniawi, kecuali doa dari anak2 yang soleh..’
Ayah, bersemadilah ayah dengan tenang. Dah tiada lagi tanggungjawab yang perlu dipikul, dah tiada lagi amanah yang perlu ayah jaga. Tugas ayah didunia dah tamat. Ayah berehatlah. Semoga kubur ayah menjadi salah satu taman syurga Allah dan semoga segala kebaikan yang ayah lakukan di dunia akan menjadi pelindung ayah di sana. Ya Allah, Kau peliharalah ayah, rahmatilah ayah, dan himpunkanlah ayah dalam golongan hambaMu yang soleh dan beriman. Amin..
Life still goes on, even though sometimes it feels so hard without him around. Ayah dah selamat di sana in sha Allah, kita yang hidup ni masih belum selamat. Masih belum tahu bagaimana pengakhiran kita. Semoga apa yang kita doa setiap hari, untuk keluarga, saudara, rakan2 dan diri sendiri, akan dimakbulkan oleh Allah. Semoga Allah beri husnul khatimah kepada kita juga.
Dan… semoga dapat berjumpa lagi dengan ayah di sana, in sha Allah.