A Mad Woman In The Middle Of The Night

I can’t sleep. I’m so mad right now that I can’t sleep. I just realized that my favourite top was left in Tropical Inn Hotel during the English Conference that I attended last Saturday. Grrr! I’ve been looking all over for it and just now it suddenly clicked that the last time (also my first time!) wearing it when I was in JB. Eiiiii! Marah kat sapa sebenarnye?? Diri sendiri tapi mainly marah kat Mr.Gonzales! Sebab dier yang kemas the whole thing. I didn’t help because I was in the conference. At 12 o’clock, I left the conference and went up to our level to help him carrying the luggage to check out. Salah sendiri sebab x double check and yakin je hubby dah kemas everything. Baju tu i letak dalam almari and obviously hubby x check. Huhu.. Sedih sebab baju tu first time pakai and soooo comfy! Geram btol!

So, as a result, terpaksa beli lagi sekali. Disebabkan geram yang teramat, beli la pulak 2 colours. Black and coffee. Saje je kan? Memang saje pon.

This is the one yang tertinggal kat JB.

Ni pulak baju yang terbeli akibat kemarahan sebab yang hitam tadi tertinggal.

Hish! X pasal2 rugi lagi hundred lebih.. Kalau ikut hati yang sedikit jahat ni, nak je rasenye hack Maybank2u hubby sebab i still rasa dier yang salah. Tapi x jadi. Takpelah. He still has to pay, tapi esok baru claim depan2.

Okay. Now I feel much better. Off to bed now. Bye.

Minah Versus Lela

(Okay, I exaggerated a little bit. Takkanla sbb x dpt beli lauk favourite sampai sebulan x tegur kan? Haha! Rekaan semata2 hokaay..)

I’ve been both, Minah and Lela. Sometimes, as humans, we are just too…. dependent. We ask our friends for help (when we ourselves are capable of doing it) and when they can’t help us (due to other waaaay more important things/commitments), we start to get mad. Whether we show it to their faces or a silent treatment. Is that really necessary? What if we’re in Lela’s situation? We try to help our friends but there are other bigger things that we need to handle first, and finally, we let them down because they don’t get what they want. I’ve been in Lela’s situation a few times now, and yeah, every time it happened, I felt guilty. So guilty that I felt like buying something as a peace-offering to make it up though I really didn’t have to. Now, when it happened again, I started to get annoyed. I mean, if you ask other people for help, and then your request can’t be fulfilled, you shouldn’t get mad. Remember, for whatever reasons, it’s your fault for not doing it yourself. Trust me, even though you’re too dependent, people are not that unhelpful. They’ll help as much as they can, but when they can’t, you should just appreciate the effort.

I know sometimes we need other people to help us because we have no choice, but when you’re not being fully attended to as what you expected, you should just keep your dissatisfaction to yourself (unless if you feel you have the right to, for example, if you’ve already given your money and they didn’t return it etc) otherwise, just move your lazy bum and do it on your own.

Okay dah. Tu je nak cakap. Babai!

I Want To Know…

LOVE is all in the air.

But why am I not feeling it at all?

I know that I am so evil to say this, but to see everyone else in happiness, that just makes me so sad, because I feel like I am the only one who’s not in it. I feel like, the world has not been fair. Or, did I actually walk myself into something that I don’t know?

I can’t quite figure out what’s going on right now.

Though I know I am in no position to ask You this, but God, I have a question.

I want to know, what’s exactly your plan for me?

Every Beginning Has An Ending, And Every Ending Is A New Beginning

It feels like yesterday that I came to SKTJ for the first time to report duty, [click] and today, I’m already in somewhere else, leaving the school.

It had been what….? 1 year and 9 months?  Not even two years and I had to leave. I honestly didn’t see this coming. I mean, it was too soon. I was planning to apply for EG-Tukar for Pertukaran Sesi January 2012, but before I was able to do that, I was called by the JPNS in August, to consider this Pertukaran Negeri [click]. Okay, I’m not gonna talk about me going to Muar, instead, I’m gonna talk about me, leaving SKTJ.

A week before I left the school, I was always not in the mood. I felt so anxious about everything. About going to new school, about leaving the school, about having new friends, about teaching new students, about living far from family, even about being away from my cats, yeah, like I said, EVERYTHING. I actually didn’t want to tell my students that I was leaving because I knew, there would be questions, and I guess you guys know, questions that coming from kids are mostly hard to answer. But one week before UPSR, I felt like I had to tell my Year 6 kids that I am not gonna be there when the results come out. I wanted them to do the best during the examination. I wanted them to make me proud. I still do. That’s when the first tear dropped. I couldn’t control it, but I still wanted them to know that whatever they did to me, or whatever things that I said to them during class, it still wouldn’t break the love that I had for them.

Well, not just them, but all students in SKTJ, from pre-school kids until Year 6. From these seven classes, I taught four of them (Year 1, 4, 5 and 6) so I knew more than half of the students in this school. I know their backgrounds, their families, and some of them know my family too. It’s a small school, everybody knows everybody. We were like one big family. It didn’t take me long to get used to this school when I first arrived, coz they were very friendly. Besides, I was at own place, my town. What could be more comfortable rather than being at your own home?

I have a lot of bittersweet memories here. I bought my own first car when I was working here [click], I changed my single status to married [click], I threatened my GPK for my own benefit (no link to this point because this was a regular routine, and I think I WASN’T the only one who did that, haha), my first fight with the headmaster ([click] this was actually ‘sweet’ because I managed to stand for what I believe in front of him), my first fight with a parent because I taught his son a lesson for calling me ‘Babi’ [click], my SPP process ([click]now sudah sah dalam perkhidmatan yaw! Thanks KakGee). This is only a few. I’m too lazy to dig back all the entries. Ah.. Memories!

Last Friday, when we had Majlis Khatam Al-Quran dan Jamuan Raya, they actually gave me a chance to deliver a speech. A farewell speech. I was quite shocked when KakMimi (the MC) suddenly called out my name. At first I didn’t want to because the truth, I knew I would cry. Again. But since everybody was looking at me, seeing those eyes of the students, I surrendered.

Then……….. As expected, it was a very short speech, with ‘looooooong emotional’ pauses. I abruptly finished the speech and walked out of the hall, to the ladies room. God, only He knew how I felt.

Some of the pictures taken on my last day in SKTJ. Credits to KakShimah.

My Year 4 kids..

My Year 5 kids..

........

So sweeeett.... :'-)

From one of my Year 5 kids.. I'll miss you too..

The presents I got from the students.. Thank you all. Price doesn't matter, it's the thoughts that counts.

my sayangs... in 10 years, i might forget your name, but i'll keep this moment close to my heart. :'-)

I won’t forget this school. Though it’s less than two years being at this school, I think I have learnt a lot, improved myself a lot. I can’t really list down what are the things that have been improved but, I would say, I am proud of myself. I now know things better, know people better, and appreciate both of them better. And I think, even it’s not much, all the things that we’ve been through together in SKTJ, helps to make me a better person.

Thank you SKTJ.

God, Please Make This Easier..

2011, it’s my second year of teaching UPSR kids, but unlike last year, I wonder why I’m not feeling anything this year. I still remembered last year, when I was nervous like hell, I was busy asking my friends if they have any clues what might come out, and I was worried the whole day of English paper (Thursday, the last paper), and etc. Yet, this year, I was calmer and more relaxed. No no. I’m not saying I’m getting better at it, or they are smarter students than last year, so then I don’t have to worry, no. Nothing like that. It’s just that… I don’t know. It feels like I can’t wait for all of this to be over. I want time to fly faster…. Faster until…

Okay, let’s just be frank and straight forward. I think, the major reason of all this ‘feelingless’ is…. this.

The letter that I received when I was called to JPNS, Shah Alam on last 25th August.

I know I should be happy. That’s what I wanted since I got married. I applied for this transfer in June. When it didn’t succeed, I was called back by JPNS two months after to consider this offer. It was almost like ‘bulan jatuh ke riba’ right? It was just that, I didn’t expect it was too soon.

Okay, actually, that’s not the part that got me worried.

Definitely, I’m not gonna be sent to Muar, where my husband is. Now, that’s the worst part.

I was explained by the officers that some of the districts which are not going to accept more teachers are, MUAR, Batu Pahat, Segamat, and Pontian. These districts are strictly not included in the offer. They are seriously full, overloaded even. So, the only choices that I have are, JB, Mersing, Pasir Gudang. I’m not sure about Kluang. The living cost in JB is ridiculously high, and Mersing? Nothing wrong with Mersing, it’s just that too far from Muar. I haven’t given enough thoughts on Pasir Gudang or Kluang tho. It’s too headache.

So, I’ve talked, discussed, consulted with my husband, my family, my friends, and my beloved KakGee the school clerk, they all advised me to accept the offer. They said, at least, I’m already in Johor, doesn’t matter what districts I’ll be sent to. If I reject the offer, I have to apply through EG-Tukar and only God knows how long that is going to take me out of Selangor. So… Okay, I accepted the offer. At the same time, I would ask my husband to get help from anyone that can help out my situation.

So, days passed by, and what I can conclude now, I might not be getting into Muar, because there are simply no place for me. People are trying to help (thanks to all of you, you know who you are ), calling here and there, but so far, no luck yet.

The official letter that’ll be informing me which district and school I’ll be sent to, might be received less than two weeks from now. So, till then, I have to live in uncertainties, which is not fun at all.

Right now, my situation is, I am leaving Selangor. I am leaving Sabak Bernam and I am leaving SK Tebok Jawa. That is pretty much confirmed. I just don’t know where I’m leaving for. I mean, I know I’m going to Johor, but Johor is a big state. Where, specifically? If I end up in Mersing or JB, or Pasir Gudang or Kluang, I still have to live alone without my husband. Worse, I have no family there. T__T

Despite all this worried, emotional ramblings, I know, I am making the right decision. It’s just that, to get to the last check-point of this right decision (settling down with my husband), maybe there is no straight path.

Haih. I’m so distracted by this.
In my case, I guess that beats UPSR fever this year.

p/s- I wish the best of luck to my Year 6 kids. You’re my final project in SKTJ, so make me proud. :’-)